I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
