The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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