The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
