Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
