i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
