Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize