The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
