Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
