so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
