just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I would ride that face into the sunset
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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