ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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