I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
