fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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