I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
