when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
