She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
