I accidentally burped into my bong.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i've created a new STD.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
They are going to name an STD after you.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
