You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
