I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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