if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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