She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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