does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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