last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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