A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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