I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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