Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize