rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
