i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
