hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
