I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
