omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
