Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
