Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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