I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
