Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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