I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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