i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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