Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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