just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
