I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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