Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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