Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
