His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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