I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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