Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
