No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
smell my finger.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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