Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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