So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
