I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
