Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
