Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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