Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
