just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
