My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
