Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
