If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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