He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
