Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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