I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
