We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize