I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
