he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
