I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Randomize
