haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
