i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
