why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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