So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
