I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
