That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
