mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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