If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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