after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize