I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
