My sheets look like a crime scene.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
